Thank you, thank you! I can hardly type I’m so excited! I’ve never been so honoured! And this fabulous potato – it’s so – erm – Yule Brenner.

As I stand here in my Jersey Royal, holding this Golden Wonder, the sense of satisfaction I feel takes me back to the day I asked my best spuddy, Anja, to be my wife. She was all I could Desiree. Mind you, I had some pretty tough competition, the Duke of York AND King Edward had an ‘eye’ on her. However, I introduced them to that wonderful pair, Nadine and Charlotte and now we have an Accord. I simply got down on my knee and said “Wilja marry me?” Anja turned Kerr’s Pink and said “yes!” At the wedding ceremony we had a Maris Piper who got terribly drunk and so we had Maris Bard.

But I digress. My heartfelt thanks go to my fellow stars, Quentin Crisp, Mr Potato-head from Toy story, plus the entire casts of M*A*S*H, the Fry who Loved Me, Goodbye Mr Chips and Full Metal Jacket Potato. You are all Smashing! I shan’t waffle on too long, but to you, my wonderful audience, I wish to propose a roast!

My grandmother claimed you weren’t hungry if you wouldn’t eat a raw potato. Sis liked hers with salt, I just rinsed mine off.

Plus, it might make sense to *plant* that “Dylans’ Wind” potato.